More death in the news. We may not be responsible for creating the ideology of white supremacy, but we can be responsible for doing something about it as my teacher Loretta Ross says. Our first impulse is to reach out to people we know who belong to the group that was most directly affected. We express our horror and outrage and offer our love and support. They are grieving but not surprised at the latest expression of white supremacy in the form of violence against their community. The exchange is short, they thank us. We post on social media and maybe carry a sign at a march.
But what if … our outreach during crisis isn’t what someone most wants from us? Or isn’t the only thing they want from us? What if the raw pain we notice is their disappointment that we never reach out until a community is in mourning and on the streets?
I asked my friends what all-year-long efforts from friends and family mean the most to them. Linda Leu told me, “Don’t show up only because you care about me as an individual – bring a human right’s lens to the violence and care about all communities and all forms of oppression.”
Lia Nagase shared with me a number of ways to show her love by contributing the list below:
#1 Believe them. Be willing to see the pattern, name the oppression, accept the reality of a person’s lived experience. Notice if you have a tendency to justify, or deny, or minimize, rationalize or make excuses for the injustices they have faced. Instead, next time someone shares a story of mistreatment, expresses a fear of harm, shows you their hurt just from existing, show them love and solidarity by saying, “I believe you. That wasn’t ok. I am sorry you are going through that. How can I support you?” Let folks know if they want to share, you are interested to learn what that was like for them.
#2 Do your own work. Read the books, take the classes, do the internal interrogation of your own beliefs, have the conversations that help you understand white supremacy. Commit to actions to upend white supremacy in your every day life. For example, examine practices and policies at work, in your book club, where you volunteer, in friendship and family circles, at your child’s school, and make changes. Ask permission to ask questions when you don’t understand feedback or why something is problematic – if you tried and can’t find the answer yourself online.
#3 Learn people’s stories. Appreciate their unique experiences that differ from yours but are no less valid just because they don’t match your experiences. Ask permission to open conversations and hear from them, “What has your experience with oppression been like? What is this bringing up for you?” Do some radical listening.
All of this is great, says Tessa Smith, who invites us to know our own stories as well. “Do your own work with accountability and awareness of your own experience of oppression and your own relationship to oppression. Sit with it in the context of your own experiences.“
#4. See people’s full identity! When we say things like, “I forgot you were ____!” or “I never even think of you as ____!” we communicate that some important part of who they are doesn’t register as important to us.
#5. Be willing to be uncomfortable. Mistakes will be made, despite best intentions. Be open to feedback and new knowledge even when it’s a personal stretch to do so. It’s ok to say, “I am not sure how to do this but I wanted to let you know I care.” Apologize, but more importantly, learn and do better next time.
Lastly, Tessa encourages us to find out what communities want long term to address the issues they face. “Walk with and not in front of the folks you are supporting.”
It is a journey to move from empathy to action. Let’s show up by taking these steps to loving and supporting each other in between assassinations.
I really appreciate the suggestions in this article! We are so often told what NOT to do; having suggestions about what we SHOULD do is so much more valuable.