Having conversations with children about consent can and should incorporate larger protective factor concepts that reach beyond consent for touch. Reducing the subject of consent to sexualized or painful touch misplaces the emphasis and narrows the discussion, thereby limiting the life-long protective factors we hope to instill in young people. Educating young people to help them stay safer means placing consent conversations in the a broader context of having other people respect your personal boundaries – around touch certainly – but also in terms of how someone talks to you and/or treats you.
Understanding your own boundaries and the boundaries of others goes to the heart of self-worth and empathy. Children develop through learning their boundaries are worth respecting and learning how to listen to someone else’s emotional and physical boundaries, even when they are different than our own. By asking for and then waiting for an enthusiastic yes to any offered touch or behavior, children can learn that other people should listen to their boundaries too. If young people notice that their boundaries aren’t being respected, they can discuss the situation with trusted adults who can help them manage safety concerns.
Ultimately, it’s on us to make children safer and to more successfully promote consent as the standard. More people can be role models, asking for consent as an ongoing practice. More people can undertake the role of a trusted adult who young people can come to for help and protection from those who cross their boundaries.
These guidelines don’t mean you won’t be able to feed, clothe, or bathe your child. You and medical professionals may still tend to them when they are sick or hurt. There can and should be reasonable expectations about hygiene, medical emergencies, and the daily routines of life. Body autonomy can begin early – for example, have your child be in charge of feeding themselves and washing their own bodies as soon as they can do a reasonably good job of it. Let them know they don’t ever have to be alone with a medical person.
Provide body autonomy messages
- LOVE doesn’t equal permission or consent to touch.
- Like doesn’t equal permission or consent to touch.
- Power or authority over a young person doesn’t equal permission or consent to touch.
- Being older doesn’t equal permission or consent to touch.
- Power, age, size, or a loving relationship must never be used to coerce or force touch.
- Saying yes equals permission or consent to touch. The message to young people is: Your body, your choice.
- If someone offers your child affection or touch, ask your child for their answer instead of answering for them or insisting that the other person ask your child for permission. Sexual or sexualized touch is never appropriate between a child and an older teen or adult – even if the child has said yes, the child doesn’t have capacity to consent to this.
- Teach a child that their choice to say “No” means that the other person should stop. If a child wants to offer or receive permission to touch another person, they must ask first. Any answer that isn’t YES means no or not now.
Foster trust in your child’s feelings
- Let your child be the authority on how they are feeling. To regularly ignore, reframe, or contradict what your child says they are feeling with language such as, “you have nothing to be sad about,” “you aren’t really hungry,” “that doesn’t hurt – shake it off” undermines their agency. Instead, help them sort out disappointment from sadness, hunger from boredom, pain that needs medical attention from pain that needs TLC.
- Cultivate emotional resilience and emotional intelligence by teaching them to trust their own feelings and let them know you will trust them too. Help them develop a big emotional vocabulary to discuss how they feel.
- Our minds and bodies send us powerful signals about personal safety – teach young people to listen to and trust those instincts carefully. That means learning to pay attention to emotional and physical signs of intuition.
Promote the concept of affection at your own pace
- Ask the young people you know and care about before you touch them. Model a neutral reaction if they say no – “Ok, thanks for letting me know.” Lack of consent to touch should not be over-ridden, even when relatives and friends of the family want hugs and kisses.
- Politeness, warmth, respect, and hospitality can be demonstrated in many other ways besides nonconsensual touch, even if the intention is affection.
- If we teach our children and young people that someone who likes or loves them can expect touch, or that if you like or love someone you owe them touch — that message may carry forward into interactions later with adults, older teens, and the folks they date.
Positive socialization
- Notice and speak out against others using annoying or harassing touch. For example, saying “When they tussle your hair that means they like you” communicates that one should not make a big deal out of being touched without consent. Instead, reinforce that touch without consent isn’t a game. Break the pattern of normalizing, denying, minimizing, excusing, rationalizing, or justifying such behavior.
- Help young people of all genders understand that asking first isn’t weakness – it’s teaching respect and it’s an easy habit to learn.
- Support young people to develop their personalities, characteristics, interests, authentic voice, and individual strengths as ways to meet and attract friends and romantic relationships.
Be the “askable parent” with sources of knowledge about important topics.
- Children should know they can bring any question to the adults in their lives and get thoughtful and accurate responses without any drama or shaming.
- Teach young folks anatomically correct body language for their genitals from birth and be open to take questions about sex and sexuality at any age.
- Ensure your child receives comprehensive sex education that covers: biology, hygiene, sexual and gender identity, intimacy, sensuality, and sexual violence. Accurate, age-appropriate, sex education is a protective factor against violation and abuse.