By Anastasia Higginbotham
What Is Enough?
Recently, my teaching partner and I taught a class of high schoolers. For the fourth and final class, I shared a goal to look at the question of: What is enough?
In terms of their self-defense education, I offered a list of what can be in plenty of situations enough to keep ourselves safer.
- Volume/being heard/being loud;
- Sharpness, as in: clarity of intention and execution, focusing your voice and body with a singular goal;
- Targeting, as in: aiming for a part of the body that is especially vulnerable;
- Slowing down to speed up, as in: practicing slowly to build in smooth transitions and generate momentum;
- Rhythm, as in: strike, breathe, strike, breathe, assess;
- Congruency, as in: voice, face, stance, intention, action all are aligned to send one clear, powerful message; and
- Presence, as in: increasing our ability to stay in or return to our bodies, even when we’re afraid, confused, angry, sad, stressed, or nervous.
I invited them to choose one or two of these points to focus on during our last class, and discussed how each strategy, well-deployed, could be enough to see them through a stressful or even dangerous encounter.
We discussed, for example: When is being loud key? When is congruency (matching verbal and non-verbal/body language) key? These strategies alone may keep an encounter from ever getting physical. In 85-95% of the stories we hear from graduates, clear, directive language from a confident, ready position ended the encounter, then and there. And when physical resistance is necessary, can we learn to trust that one strike, sharp and targeted, may be enough to end an attack where it began? Our success stories from students as young as 6th grade attest that this is true.
How much is too much?
There’s so much about keeping ourselves safer, and keeping those around us safer, that has nothing to do with physical resistance. An education in Prepare invites students to explore their social conditioning around and tolerance for interpersonal boundary violations. For example:
- How many times is someone close to you allowed to ignore your No, or try to change it into a Yes, before you feel angry, speak firmly to them, or leave the room?
- In relationships where the harm is not physical, but emotional: How badly do you have to be hurt before you feel entitled to take an action, such that the other person might feel pain now, too in terms of the pain of separation from you?
The challenge of a Prepare scenario is not that the techniques are difficult to learn the moves are straightforward and efficient. It’s the physiology that’s tough! Emotional and psychological factors combine in ways that can bring about a full-on freeze response, even in a confrontation where no threat of physical violence is present. We may not fully understand or be conscious of what makes us hesitant to take a step to protect ourselves, and then another, and another. It takes patience to find out.
Growing up, we learn everything we know about boundaries, or their absence. We learn how to ask for what we want directly or, very often, sideways, using charm and other strategies of manipulation. Some of us may have learned to feel so ashamed of what we need that we don’t dare ask for it. This is especially risky when what we need is protection, distance, a halt to communication, or someone to believe us. This practice of noticing our habits around boundaries has nothing to do with blame, but is about bringing awareness to and loosening the grip of these habits. The patterns are there fine, okay. New patterns can be developed. The goal is simply to reveal another way, or maybe several more ways, and then to practice.
Practice without making perfect.
Even with practice, we may wonder if we will ever get “good” enough (loud enough, sharp enough, patient enough) to take care of ourselves in times of stress or conflict. The process of trying raises questions worth exploring, such as: Where do we fear not being enough in our lives generally? Acknowledging our internalized “not enough” is vulnerable. But that awareness is powerful. We can begin the process by offering ourselves the grace to acknowledge where we do feel confident we are “good” enough, a good enough student, parent, neighbor, friend, sibling.
By honing in on the value of what’s enough, we also steer clear of victim-blaming ourselves and others. That feeling or belief that the harm we’ve experienced was our own fault for being too much of one thing (trusting, naive, soft, weak) and not enough of another (strong, street-smart, aware, tough) makes it very difficult to want to exist. I choose my words intentionally, as survivors of sexual assault experience a high risk of suicidal ideation and suicidality.
Perfectionism is a trap and it doesn’t keep us safer. Prepare offers choices, not guarantees; nothing is enough to prevent all harm from ever coming to us. Instead, classes offer practice, expertise, coaching, knowledge, validation, encouragement, emotional support, customized physical techniques for every body, and deep regard for everyone we encounter. A settled body that knows its limits, as well as its power, working in harmony with a mind that can find peace and ease some of the time, these can be enough.
In terms of self-defense, we do well to engage, finally, with what’s enough in terms of what we will no longer put up with, abide, make excuses for, or enable. Once we know when enough is enough, we are ready.