“A magazine cover saved my life.” Jonathan Higbee

This was the opening to an evening of great speakers at the March 4^th event hosted by The Trevor Project NextGen New York. The event’s theme was representation of LGBTQ youth in the media. Along with Jonathan were Charlie Kerr, Kelvin Moon Loh, and Sarah Kate Ellis. Each shared stories and unique perspectives on the topic.

When Jonathan saw for the first time a magazine cover with a happy young gay couple pictured, it changed his perspective on what kind of life would be possible. Without any examples in the town where he grew up, it would be hard to image that a young man like him could find happiness and love and self-acceptance. The power of one image.

Without visibility, one’s own identity and the validity of one’s existence can be called into question.

“It is increasingly important to lift of the voices of LGBTQ young people who are often not represented in media outlets, as well as share their diverse stories and perspectives. Oftentimes, LGBTQ young people are unable to see people who reflect their identities. This can be isolating and challenging, especially if a young person is struggling to accept themselves for who they are.” – Trevor Project website

Kelvin addressed stereotyping in the casting process and the dearth of Asian men on Broadway – absent even in roles portraying Asian people, roles played instead by White men who later win Tony Awards for them! How do you envision a career in theater when the role of an Asian person is regularly being cast with White actors?

Charlie premiered her video series A Conversation on Street Harassment documenting the emotional and physical toll of street harassment. She noted that you can’t look at street harassment strictly or only through the lens of gender, but must connect these struggles to a broader schema to create social change and think about race, religion and other lenses as well. One noted example: trans and gender non-conforming people have higher rates of attempted suicide if they are harassed by the police than if they have not been harassed by police. Visibility also carries risks. A person featured in the video says that how he presents himself each day is based on making a choice between “feeling ok with myself, or being safe.”

The final speaker was Sarah Kate, who gave a historical summary of LGBTQ characters on television including the changing frequency and nature of how these characters are presented. This context helps evaluate both progress and backlash.

Issues of visibility, validation, and knowing you are not alone are themes running through Prepare’s classes as well. Students learn that violence is a social problem, not an individual problem and that their experiences have been shared by others. Classes are purposely limited in size so each participant is seen – their strengths acknowledged and the feedback and support individualized. Our staff team and our participants are diverse in age, gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, size, and cultural/ethnic background so students are more likely to find themselves represented in the classroom. We welcome people to come as they are, and not leave any part of their identity behind when they walk in the room.

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#NothingAboutUsWithoutUs

This powerful statement was reiterated in a conversation recently with a person that works at an organization that serves people with disabilities. First used in association with the disability rights movement, this saying now has meaning across social justice movements.

A little history, from Wikipedia

“Nothing About Us Without Us!” (Latin: “Nihil de nobis, sine nobis”) is a slogan used to communicate the idea that no policy should be decided by any representative without the full and direct participation of members the group(s) affected by that policy. This involves national, ethnic, disability-based, or other groups that are often thought to be marginalized from political, social, and economic opportunities.”

It is not a new idea – as a political motto it has been used since 1505 in Poland and No Taxation without Representation was a familiar slogan of the American Revolutionary War. Yet this critical message is ignored time and time again, leaving out the voices of those who know best what their lived experiences are like, what their needs are, what is most important to them.

Further, “The term in its English form came into use in disability activism during the 1990s. James Charlton relates that he first heard the term used in talks by South African disability activists Michael Masutha and William Rowland, who had in turn heard the phrase used by an unnamed East European activist at an earlier international disability rights conference. In 1998, Charlton used the saying as title for a book on disability rights. Disability rights activist David Werner used the same title for another book, also published in 1998.”

As Emerging Strategies moves forward with its IMPACT:Ability training and outreach, it will be critical for us to include members of the disability community on our advisory board as IMPACT Boston did during both the development phase and now in the program delivery phase.

If you or someone you know would be interested in learning more, we’d love to be in touch!

Karen

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Carolyn is an experienced psychotherapist who has been working in private practice on Manhattan’s Upper West Side since 1996. Empathic and direct, she offers therapeutic services for individuals, couples, and families. She appears as an expert on parenting issues for both television and magazine and is a regular speaker at local and national organizations. Carolyn holds a Masters degree from New York University, is a certified Imago Relationship Therapist and is a graduate of an advanced institute specializing in Parent /Infant therapy from the Jewish Board of Family and Children Services.

Carolyn, we enjoyed our collaboration with you on Parent, Caregiver and Educator workshop so much. You‘ve offered workshops like this before. Prepare has been offering parent and educator workshops for years as well. Why did you agree to work with Prepare to develop the updated Parent, Caregiver and Educator workshop?

I loved the idea of working with Prepare because everyone I know who has worked with Prepare has had an excellent experience. This is subject matter that people struggle with. The professional, appropriate, and responsive style of Prepare’s instruction matches really well with the work I do communicating with parents on difficult topics.

What, if anything, did it clarify for you as you reviewed the body of best practices that exists?

My “ah ha” moment was the concept of removing blinders (gently) so that the issue of child safety can be addressed. It is critical for adults to be able to open dialogues (with children and other adults) rather than assume that situations will handle themselves or go away.

Which message from the workshop is the most important one for parents?

No question it’s the importance of being an “ask-able” parent. When the communication roadway is clear, then you can reach kids and teach kids by looking at things together instead of lecturing. As young as 2 years old, you can invite kids to be your partner, in their way and at their level, to look with you at a situation and strengthen assessment skills. The foundation for good communication is trust and the ideal is a family home base that is emotionally safe for processing life no matter what gets thrown at us.

What can you say to parents to support them if they feel blocked from following that advice?

First, we can own our history and consider how these things were handled for us as we grew up and connect that to how we parent our children now. Are we repeating a pattern or doing the opposite?

Second, we can learn to manage our anxiety. Anxiety gets in the way of good listening to our own gut. It prevents us from tuning in to what our children are feeling and understanding how they are making sense of a situation.

Which is the most important Workshop lesson for parents to communicate to their kids?

Parents and children alike should trust a child’s “uh oh instinct.” Tell your children, “I will believe you and I will support you.” For example, if a child is digging in their heels about not wanting to go to Johnny’s house, don’t respond with ridicule or an admonition that you have to be nice. Continue to be curious about what’s up with Johnny’s house, work it through and figure it out. Be very careful not to override their instincts and force them to do things that feel unsafe for them.

What blocks parents from teaching kids this message?

Parents have anxiety, don’t want to think things are wrong, or be embarrassed. Parents struggle to take in the depth of a child’s experience.

They can begin by taking kids’ thoughts and feelings seriously and refraining from imposing one’s own feelings on top of your kids. Appreciate that their own experiences are real and profound and valid, despite their less mature viewpoint. Kids can be less filtered and more honest! Like us, they are trying to make sense of their lives and need our assistance and understanding.

Parents are busy with meals, laundry, bedtime and morning routines, the daily challenge of getting kids back and forth to school, getting homework done, managing team and activity schedules. When can they find time to have these conversations?

It doesn’t take a lot of time! Generally, it is way less about quantity, and way more about quality. Take 15 minutes a day and have a real check-in, where you enter the child’s world and really hear what is of importance to them about the day. Put aside your own agenda of what you want to hear or say and leave room for child to talk about what they want to talk about. Teachable moments, while a situation is under way or just after, are found opportunities to have these conversations.

What do you see as the major issues for families in your practice in terms of kids’ safety and/or communication?

Kids need help processing all that they are now exposed to: through technology, crime and sexualized images in the media, and from peers at parties, for example. The day-to-day bombardment means there is a lot to talk about!

What is the most important communication skill for parents to have?

Listening. 100%.

Listening between the lines, under the surface. Listening to what is communicated verbally and non verbally. Parents need the same skill as a clinician – we have to listen carefully to the answers on a number of levels.

You raised two great kids who are now in their older teens. As a therapist, what was most important in terms of life lessons to learn, or life skills to impart to them?

Respect for self and others. We really enjoy each other because of the respect we have for each other. Laugh.

What role does a workshop like this have on helping families meet their goals in therapy?

Better communication is an essential goal common to almost all the families I work with. Workshops like this can set stage/groundwork for how to build a relationship with your child where you can and do talk about anything.

Thanks Carolyn!

Carolyn Meyer-Wartels, LCSW-R
156 West 86th Street, Suite 1A
New York, NY 10024
646.418.6767
http://meyerwartels.com/

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In a recent class with 9^th grade girls, we did a version of an exercise where one person stands in the middle of larger group of their classmates. She represents the person in an abusive relationship. Each of the surrounding people, one by one, read an unsupportive statement and cut their connection to her by turning their back to her. As the circle turned their back on her, her abuser, standing just off to the side, is clearly the only one left that is there for her.

The exercise was repeated and the surrounding students read very supportive statements. They re-established a connection to her by facing her and reaching out their hands to her. The visual was clear and dramatic. The victim now had a network of relationships that would sustain and support her, whatever she decides to do.

The exercise was profound for everyone, most of all, the student in the middle. She had a dramatically difference response both times – feeling abandoned and alone and horrible the first time; ready to think, plan, accept help, and take care of herself the second time.

My takeaway from this series on IPV, reinforced deeply by that exercise just 2 weeks ago, is that my judgment isn’t what is needed. What is most important to the victim is maintaining a connection – possibly a lifeline. I won’t forget.

At Prepare, we acknowledge that who you are, what identity group(s) you belong to, and how you are socially situated, impacts your:

• vulnerability to violence;
• how you are most likely to be targeted; and
• what responses might be available to you, including whether you will have access to the legal right to self-defense or resources for support.

How IPV affects men and people in the LGBTQ community.

“According to the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Report (2010), about 1 in 3 women and 1 in 4 men report being abused by intimate partners, including, physical abuse, stalking and sexual violence. “

These numbers would lead us to generalize that men and women experience IPV similarly. While the intensity and nature vary, as noted below, men still experience IPV and that matters.

As Sara Staggs explains, “The patterns of assault experienced by gender varies, however, and here is where we see women having a harder time by most any measure (while not minimizing the experience of men). When all IPV victims were asked about the type of domestic violence they have experienced, over 92% of men report only experiencing physical violence, whereas while just over half of women report (56.8%) only physical violence, more than 1 in 3 report experiencing physical violence in addition to stalking, rape or both (p. 41). This type of abuse is more characteristic of emotional terrorism as opposed to impulsive outbursts.”

Particular acts that men and women perpetrate against their partners also tend to vary by gender, women experience a wider range of emotional aggression and coercive control, and, “Women are 4-5 times more likely to be killed by a partner than men are, which is especially striking when you consider the fact that men are far more likely to be victims of homicide.” “Despite the surprisingly similar levels of experiencing IPV, only 1 in 10 men report an impact from the IPV, which included PTSD symptoms, fearing for one’s safety, needing medical attention and other professional supports and missing work/school.”

The statistics are clear that IPV doesn’t skip over same-sex, or same-gender, relationships, or relationships with transgender individuals.

“…individuals with a history of same-sex relationships report higher levels of intimate partner abuse than those with exclusively other-sex history. Transgender individuals are not represented as a group in almost all of the literature, but the little information that is available suggests that they are at the highest levels of risk of partner abuse.”

Osman Ahmed, one of the authors of the 2013 National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs report on IPV in the LGBT community, in an interview with Jamilah King of Colorlines, said, “how you identify is an important factor in terms of how abuse can happen [because] your identity can be used against you within intimate partner violence.”

• In 2013, 76% of IPV homicide victims were gay men
• Gay men, LGBTQ and HIV-affected communities of color, LGBTQ and HIV-affected youth and young adults, bisexual survivors, undocumented survivors, and transgender communities most impacted by IPV

The report notes, these survivors of violence rarely go to the police, the courts or domestic violence shelters. In other words, an additional layer of challenges and concerns about reporting and getting help are set on top of those that already exist. This may account for part of the difficulty in data gathering and accurate statistics. Another factor is lack of attention to the needs and concerns of these communities.

King writes, “In 2013, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released data on intimate partner violence that included sexual orientation, but left out gender identity. Still, the results showed that LGBT partnerships were not immune to violence: 44 percent of lesbian women and 61 percent of bisexual women have experienced physical violence, stalking or rape in their intimate partnerships.”

In summation, our series on IPV/Domestic Violence highlights that it is a widespread and serious problem in our society. As with sexual assault and harassment, it would be hard to find someone who hasn’t experienced it directly or through the life of someone close to them.

The prevalence of violence in relationships requires a multi-faceted approach that all members of our society need to engage with to create meaningful and lasting change. As we reach for solutions that span the spectrum of comprehensive violence prevention, we need to consider that the experience isn’t the same for everyone and not everyone defines success the same way. It is our job to reach out, ask what would be helpful, refrain from victim-blaming, and not turn our backs.

Next week, Terin Izil, director of Camp Promise for people with neuromuscular disorders, talks about IMPACT for people with disabilities.

Please join us for our next post and invite others to do so as well.

Karen

 

 

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For about one year, there was a man who was always standing outside my office building when I’d arrive at work. It looked as if he was waiting for me but I just ignored him, telling myself it was silly to be scared since he never spoke to me or even approached me. Then one morning, he came up to me in the lobby of the building and asked to buy me a cup of coffee. When I declined his invitation he got angry and began to insist, saying things like, “Come with me. You have to talk to me.” Though he was eventually escorted out by the building’s security officers, the incident shook me up.

A week after the verbal attack, I heard that this man had gone to different floors in the building describing my appearance and asking for me by name, leaving only when threatened by security officers. I already had taken the Introductory Workshop and thought that was all I’d ever need. But after ignoring my fear long enough, I decided I really needed to know how to protect myself in case this guy escalated.

He approached me again a few months later as I was getting out of a cab. I saw him step toward me but by this time I had taken the IMPACT Basics 20 hour training and I was ready. I put my hands up in the READY position and tried to step around him to get to the deli, but he grabbed my right arm very tight and tried to pull me with him. Instinctively, I yelled, “NO” in a voice that surprised me with its power. Then I did eye strikes, strikes to his stomach and, when he leaned forward in pain, I repeatedly did knee to the head until he lay still against a car.

I moved back and yelled ASSESS (a technique from Basics designed to refocus and evaluate if the threat is still a concern), my hands still in the protective stance, my eyes on him in case he moved, and then, when I was sure I was safe, I picked up my bags and went into the deli. It all happened so fast. I just responded to the situation and it wasn’t until a woman approached me and asked, “What does this “ASSESS” mean?” that I realized how thoroughly IMPACT Basics had really PREPARE’D me!

P.S. That woman has since taken the Introductory Workshop.

L.Y., Basics Graduate