Prepare welcomes Stacey Jackson to our team as Director of Development and Community Outreach.  Stacey was introduced to Prepare six years ago and graduated from student, to class assistant, to certified instructor for K-12 programs across the tri-state area. Stacey’s specialty is helping organizations grow. She created the New York Chapter of the SAG Foundation and oversaw a period of increased membership, programming, staff as well as the opening of the New York Actors Center in Lincoln Center. Most recently, she served as the Director of Venture Growth for Leadership for Educational Equity (LEE) where she designed and implemented a fellowship program for civic entrepreneurs and provided executive coaching to a portfolio of first-time organizational leaders. Stacey is a graduate of Northwestern University and holds a Masters in Arts and Cultural Management from Pratt Institute. You can reach Stacey at [email protected]!

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Being a Prepare student was a life changing experience for me in more ways than one. I gained a strong sense of confidence in what my gendered body was capable of, and a newfound physical self-awareness. However, I will be the first to admit that recognizing my male privilege affected how I carried myself in the class, and how I was affected by the experience. Through the Basics course, I learned to effectively communicate my feelings and needs. Reflecting on my experience, the verbal portion of the class was by far the most challenging part. One of my biggest insecurities is verbal communication because I always fear that I will dominate conversation and detract from another person’s ability to share. The notion of using “I feel…” statements sounds so simple, but is actually a very difficult habit to adopt and helps foster self-reflection and mindfulness. I believe completing the Basics course has helped me grow immensely as both an activist and as a person.

I loved my Prepare experience so much, that I decided I wanted to try an internship as a class assistant. The transition from student to teacher is a difficult one to make under any circumstances, but despite feeling nervous about my immersion into this new experience, I was eager to learn all there is to know about the world of self-defense. As a Prepare intern, I have learned valuable skills that have made me both a better leader and a better student. I can take this experience with me to graduate school and my future career, making this internship experience impactful even beyond the academic sense. This in-depth experience with personal safety and violence prevention has encouraged me to pursue a career in violence prevention and education, and I could not thank the Prepare staff enough for their support and knowledge.

Keiran Wilson, Drew University

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Gavin de Becker’s work on threat assessment highlights 5 responses we employ to invalidate our intuition. These same responses are used to invalidate a survivor’s report of sexual violence. For example:

Denial – The survivor is lying, fabricating, or making it up.
Because they were — drunk/have a cognitive or intellectual disability/are a member of “x” identity group — their report isn’t believable.
I know _______ (fill in rapist’s name) … they would never do that.

If we deny a survivor’s report as truthful, we perpetuate rape culture.

Rationalization – The survivor isn’t really reporting sexual assault.
If the victim did not fight back, then it isn’t rape.
The victim is a sex worker, so it isn’t rape.

If we rationalize the aggressor’s actions, we perpetuate rape culture.

Minimization – What happened isn’t that big a deal.
It was a miscommunication.
Consent is a grey area.
It was just rough sex, that isn’t a crime.

If we minimize what happened, we perpetuate rape culture.

Justification – The aggressor thinks they have a right to assault the victim/The victim was asking for it.
I’m entitled to it.
They came on to me.
They should be flattered.

If we justify the aggressor’s actions, we perpetuate rape culture.

Excuse making – Boys will be boys.
Men can’t help themselves.
They don’t know better.
The age difference shouldn’t matter.

If we make excuses for the aggressor, we perpetuate rape culture.

Instead, let’s stick with our instinct (and humanity) and respond to people who tell us they have been sexually assaulted like this: “I believe you. I am sorry that happened to you. How can I support you?”

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I’m rooting for you to continue your amazing career, set new records, and inhabit your place as one of the world’s greatest athletes for a long time to come! As a tennis fan, I can only marvel at what you’ve accomplished and the fact that you are still going — stronger than ever — this far into your career.

I’m angry and sad to see the continuation of the racist and sexist coverage you receive. It hurts professional athletes and aspiring young athletes like my 12-year-old niece. As a hockey player, she can relax in a uniform that obscures her body and focus on her skating and puck handling. It took her years to be comfortable enough with her body that she could take up dance and wear a leotard and tights. I’m excited that she now dances and plays hockey with equal enthusiasm.

If I am sick of how much time and space the media and fans devote to your looks; I can’t even imagine what it is like for you to encounter such body policing and misogynoir. This kind of cruelty is also directed at other women athletes, especially for women of color. Misty Copeland, ballet dancer, faces similar scrutiny and critique.

People, including tennis players that are women, come in all shapes and sizes, both before and after they spend the kind of rigorous training time necessary to perform at the top of their sport. So no matter the level of training, or choice of training methods, no one person will look like another. We can take note of the men’s side of tennis to see that very clearly. Nadal looks different from Djokovic who looks different than Federer who looks different from Murray. Top players all of them, who are famous for intense training regimens, and each of them unique in build.

No one talks about any player being more “manly” than another because of how bodies evolve differently with training. People don’t speculate, and surely don’t ask the players on the men’s side, if the size of their gluteus maximus and hamstrings make them feel attractive. Instead, they talk about which player trains harder, who has more stamina, and the implications for winning. Their resulting look is irrelevant; their result on the court is what counts. Negative judgment is reserved for those who aren’t willing to work to their max potential.

On the other hand, the NY Times piece, Tennis’s Top Women Balance Body Image With Ambition quotes numerous women’s tour players as acknowledging their struggles with self image and weight, muscles, and presenting as feminine. Though some players had no problem with training hard and not focusing on looks, some players were basically saying, “if the price of winning is having big muscles, and looking like Serena, then no thank you.” We can observe that they have internalized a standard of beauty whereby attaining a muscular, athletic physique comes with a price they seem unwilling to pay – that of looking “masculine” — whatever that might mean to them. The undertones of racism and the distance they want to put between themselves and a stellar, strong, black athlete is offensive. It’s not ok. I stand with you against those beliefs.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says its not all about racism, but the ultimately harmful ideals women are asked to live up to as they intersect with racism. “Some of the body shaming of athletic black women is definitely a racist rejection of black women’s bodies that don’t conform to the traditional body shapes of white athletes and dancers. No one questions the beauty of black actresses such as Kerry Washington (Scandal) or Lupita Nyong’o (12 Years a Slave) because they fit the lithe image perpetuated by women’s fashion magazines. The body shaming of Williams and Copeland is partly because they don’t fit the Western ideal of femininity. But another cause is our disrespectful ideal of the feminine body in general. The bigger issue here is the public pressure regarding femininity, especially among our athletes. It’s a misogynist idea that is detrimental to professional women athletes and to all the young girls who look up to these women as role models because it can stifle their drive to excellence, not only on the playing field, but in other aspects of life.”

The NY Times article was insulting to you and also managed to make other players seem shallow. But there is a lot at stake for people in the public eye. I can’t forget that many suffer greatly because they don’t conform to (artificial, constructed) gender standards in looks, identity, or self-presentation. Real consequences to non-conformance include physical danger, emotional harm, loss of economic opportunities, and more. So they get to choose, for personal reasons, how they balance performance and looks. It just sucks when White and European players, some who might even be your friends on tour, talk about your body with language that reeks of racism and transphobia or stuff towels inside their shirt and skirt to mock your body for laughs.

Anyway, just wanted to say good luck at the U.S Open. I hope none of this stands in your way or distracts you from doing what you love and achieving your dreams.

Karen

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The Impact of Socialization

One of the things I’ve noticed over 23 years of teaching empowerment self-defense is how impactful socialization is when it comes to taking in and eventually believing the negative messages others create about us. This internalization of other’s beliefs, to the point where they feel like our own beliefs, can be so automatic we aren’t even conscious of doing it – so it’s no use to blame ourselves for blaming ourselves!

To name just a few way we internalize other people’s negative beliefs about us:

1. others objectify us and then we self-objectify,
2. others perpetuate victim blaming and shame and then we blame/shame our selves, and
3. others tell us we don’t have worth and then our own internal critic takes over and tells us we aren’t valuable.

Is it possible to counter the weight of negative internal dialogue to ease the burden we carry from these messages (as we also do the social change work that would mitigate the causes)? Can we do that without accepting the narrative that it’s simply up to us to think more positively and then all those external forces won’t have power?

Self-care vs. Self-improvement

I have been pondering the difference between self-care and self-improvement. There is a wealth of advice to “think positive.” But, let’s be real; positive thinking can only go so far. Positive thinking alone will not counter larger social issues and systemic oppression. It won’t take away structural barriers.

How does this relate to internalized beliefs for sexual assault survivors? It’s hard to avoid self-blame and shame with positive self-talk such as, “It wasn’t my fault, no one asks to be raped” when the dominant (rape) culture insists that if it happened to you, you must have asked for it/caused it/deserved it.

Self-compassion and a re-scripting of that negative self-talk can been seen as SELF-CARE as opposed to self-improvement. David Hamilton talks about separating your identity from your shame, as Margarita Tartakovsky writes. Not all his advice resonates for me, but I did like this exercise:

“Make a list of what you feel ashamed about. Now rewrite each sentence using these five parts:

“It’s not that I am _________ [insert shamer].”

It’s not that I am worthless.

“The truth is that __________ [what you did or how you perceived yourself].”

The truth is that someone treated me as if I am worthless when they targeted me for sexual assault.

“That doesn’t mean that I am ____________ [insert shamer].”

That doesn’t mean that I deserved to be treated that way.

“In fact __________ [insert a positive].”

In fact, I am a human being and entitled to respect.

“I am __________ [insert the opposite].”

I am worthy.

“Dozens of studies including recent experiments by Antonis Hatzigeorgiadis, from the University of Thessaly, indicate that these inner monologues influence our behavior in both positive and negative ways,” writes Polly Campbell.

In this article, Campbell lists some strategies from Ethan Kross. One strategy seems to tie in to a focus on self-care and self-compassion vs. the “think positive” model:

Koss suggests we ask ourselves, “Why are you feeling ______?” instead of “Why am I feeling _______? which can create feelings of shame or anxiety. Taking a third person viewpoint may give us some distance. It may allow us to see the social context and outside force(s) at work instead of assuming it’s our failure or a personal weakness to be fixed.

Instead of having this internal dialogue:

Q: “Why am I feeling worthless?

A: “I just need more self-esteem and then I won’t feel worthless.”

Consider this internal dialogue instead:

Q: “Why are you feeling worthless?

A: “Because someone treated me as if I am worthless.”

Do these exercises resonate for you?

Karen

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